You're in the feels phase of this situation, not in the action phase yet. My worst mistake was not breaking up right away. Secondly, words mean nothing without action to back it up. If you love her and things work, then your answer is clear. I heard their conversation. Now, this is fine! Its amazing where friendship comes from in the darkest of times. He said if i wanna get together for a drink or whatever to let him know. Sorry if this is all over the place. Don't leave mate just get a bit of counselling to talk through your feelings about this situation with her and get some grounding. The fact that her mindset even thinks doing things like anal play are bi tells me she probably has some internalized homophobia she needs to deal with. It's so important when you have a union of two souls to do everything you can to make sure that your love stays connected and flourishes. I also really dont like how shes the one who initiates/etc yet was making fun of it?? But then she says.the only hurdle I had to get past with (me) was.well, you guys know.they all were kinda like mhmm as if to affirm they knew what she was talking about. She shouldnt care what others think of her or you, let alone talk about you negatively behind your back. Gaslight, blameshifting, shamming, begging by the end and finally divorce. Why would she tell them you enjoy costumes? He and I werent real close, but wed hang out here and there and always enjoyed one anothers company at get togethers and stuff. Therapy is the next logical step. I don't thibk this calls for a divorce but itw definitely a violation of trust and deserves to be handled as a serious issue not a minor mistake. I turned to my wife with a raised eyebrow and announced I guess you didnt have me pegged to be a man that would stand up for himself! And I majestically brushed my cape back and walked right out of the house. This seems to be an unpopular opinion, but I kind of agree with you. We may discuss, ask for suggestions, etc., but we don't laugh about one of us outing someone (not that we'd care) and trashing their sex life. I agree with the counseling. I dunno, this feels like a day time drama and not a real story! There were 3 friends with her. The bigger problem seems to be that she's embarrassed of it, not willing to stick up for it/you, and is willing to lie to her friends to fit into what they want her to be. So does she. I'd also put the missus on a yellow card and ask her to be more honest about the Tom thing; the fact he treated her badly and you're the opposite must be a good factor in staying together. Especially when there is alcohol involved. That power over you is now dissipated - especially if you do your best to be yourself and act normal. I would never be able to fully be myself around my wife again after such an event, and to me that means there's just no way we can work anymore. One of the things they dont tell you about relationships is that you gotta be able to stand up for your SO when the time comesso even if OPs wife doesnt actually believe all that and bent to peer pressure, that really sucks and Im sorry she feels that way with her friends, but she shouldnt be surprised if she loses her husband. Most people in the comments seem to be going off of the deep end here. She feels bad for being caught. Ngl bro the first halve is disrespect enough, you now know she keeps important shit to herself like Tom tryna derail your marriage and is at the same time comfortable sharing your personal life with her friends and entertaining her friends disrespecting you in your own home. Thats something she and you will have to work on because she shouldnt be embarrassed of it, but at the same time I kind of understand how she can buckle under the pressure of her friends opinions. Personal details should remain private. At the beginning of the marriage endometriosis and disparei is, we spent almost an year without sex, I was always by her side, left the work early, never even thought about hookups or relief with other women. Right? Also, people who have satisfying sex lives dont talk about it, just like people who have actual wealth dont have to tell you). EVERYTHING she did was awful and she clearly knew that she messed up (more than once). NOBODY SHOULD TALK LIKE THAT ABOUT ANYONE. At 31 years old! Exposing your sexuality and your sex life to her friends is a massive betrayal, but it has been covered by other quality comments. Do you actually believe that she didn't have any agency? Most people will say bi/lesbian women are "ok" because it's "hot" (I've been told that), and will see bi/gay men as an atrocity just because it's men with other men. Here are some of my favorite quotes (I collect them). German Husband let Young Boy Fuck his Wife in Threesome 14:30. For example, he keeps in touch with some of his exs and although it's his business he is always transparent with me because he know how I would feel if it was behind my back. How I interpret she feels: she let slip in a drunken night that youre bi, she enjoys your sex life and when her friends made you the butt of the joke and were being judgmental about it, she felt ashamed, and in true weak fashion chose to join in vs stand up for you and herself. Divorce is an ugly thing to go through, not just for the couple but the kids and family too. Shes hurt you, she needs to stand by you and say that shes proud of you and supports you, has no doubts, and enjoys it herself. This crap has been swimming around for TWO FUCKING YEARS. But at least this one has some panache. If you are honest, people may cheat you. If you feel this can be fixed, try couples counseling, but honestly I only see this ending one way. Thats so tough. My 2 cents is not worth much, but why did she not feel the need to tell you when she realized she let it slip from the drunken night? I don't think you will recover from this. Be honest anyway. Agreed! But I also feel like it's a betrayal you can come back from. Don't fight. And sometimes we have to forgive stupid people because we love them anyway. Idc about bros before hoes or chicks before dicks nonsense, when someone insults your partner behind their back its your responsibility to stand up for them, not agree with them and contribute to the drunk girl talk. Theres PLENTY of ways to do this in both confrontational and non-confrontational ways. And also, alcohol intake needs to be curtailed. Though she made some comments around it to her female friends, I would not take those seriously (imagining other men etc). Then, when I was in the bathroom (just outside of their bedroom door), I could hear them talking about me. Her voice was strained and raspy. Do not let anybody minimize this either. You gotta fuck Tom. What drops it a full letter grade for me is that the protagonist is always an Abercrombie model. If I was you I would demand you get into couples therapy, and make absolutely clear that the trust you had in her is gone and it is going to take time for that trust to be rebuilt. I hope you can work it out. That's something only he would and has already been judged for. Right? Im gonna get downvoted for this but I think you should hear it anyway OP. They don't have her best interest at heart and they will just as quickly sow seeds of doubt to her evidently impressionable mind. It sounds like shes remorseful. It is also extremely concerning that she never told you that Tom approached her before the wedding. I have also been outed in a similar way. It takes a bigger person to take the high road, and most people are not. Would she have thrown Tom under the bus like that to entertain her friends ignorance? Whoa. Well 1. So what you should do? As others have said you've been outed and made fun of for YEARS now and the weight of that should be made apparent to your "wife". He said if i wanna get together for a drink or whatever to let him know. Great comment. Good luck and I do feel for you. I can also understand how this could be a blow to your confidence. Fuck how you want to fuck. My conjecture is that she did so because of the above reasons basically to seem cool. They were talking about ex-boyfriends and how another mutual friend of them cheated on her husband with an ex-boyfriend because he was better in bed. It doesn't matter how private it is, or if they say they don't, they talk. I've been married for 21+ years. Just want to say the other husband is a stand up guy. Or no, either way it was gross as fuck. Would she have ever stood up for you and put her friends in place? First, I am so sorry she made those statements for whatever the reason. She said she really felt bad when she realized she outed you, but I mean how sorry is she really if here she is bringing it up AGAIN? And the fact that you're now married and settled down with a woman means you probably have a preference for women overman anyways it's 2021 dude closet doesn't have a lot of people left in it and, needing it to still feel manly is the ultimate problem here. Sending you strength. She knows shes an ass, and her friends know their actions were trash. The thing that's most revolting is that she'd hang you out to dry just to agree with her mates. Not the act itself. Youre not overreacting at ALL. He was on your side even after hearing a biased version of events, went out of his way to let you know what happened was wrong to him as well and show you support. Itll be hurtful to both of you for a long time and you probably both need therapy but if you truly do love each other, itll be worth it. Im sorry about your situation; not sure what I would do. Im healthy and fit, exercise frequently and eat well, so that kind excludes most physiological causes. If it was an accident, she should have come clean when it happened. I think that sometimes both men and women have a form of locker room talk with their friends about topics that maybe they arent entirely truthful about with their friends in order to make them feel better. I totally dont get why she would lie and say he begged for the gay stuff if she was wanting it. Oh buddy, I'm sorry you've had this happen to you. Divorce. If I were OP, the answer to this would play a big part in how/whether I wanted to proceed in the relationship. I'd be very hesitant about taking her words at face value. Your wife needs some new friends. Her calling it bi shit, begrudgingly doing it, thinking of someone else. I'm glad she apologized. Therapy is what you need. Don't ruin your relationship because of this. The only reason you know of this disrespect is because you accidentally heard them saying stuff behind your back? It sounds like she is uncomfortable with discussing issues with you that she thinks will upset you until she has to but by then the damage is already done. Ask her about it, give her the space to openly address it and dually try and understand why she feels that way as well as highlighting why you two are together. Divorce her. If my friends talked about my SO like that I would be livid and we wouldnt be friends anymore. If yes then walk and bear the burdens of the breakup, but if you think you together are worth saving, then do something to sort out the issues and move beyond it. Right I mean she volunteered stuff when she could have kept her mouth shut. So I would lean towards suggesting forgiving her and working on this. Next I called my wife. 1. you sound like a fuckin pussy, enjoy your manliness, as you your wife fucks u in the ass LOL. Including mutual friends that were homophobic and a girl who hated my guts (and my ex totally knew about those things). Its not an easy solution. Second, if you know somebody is making fun of you over something so intimate and personal, how can you enjoy it again? No matter how stupid, stupid turnt I got, I would NEVER be in a state of mind to let such a personal, private thing slip out. i would like to add a partner should never ever make you feel ashamed or embarrassed about your sexuality. She outed you to your group of friends without asking you about it. Whenever theyre in bed together, the thought of her thinking of other man will show up in his head. The mmmhmmm's give that away. Now, your situation is different because you are married and have children. Before my wife was with me she dated a man named Tom. She kept her bad friends 4. When my husband and I had been together for maybe a year, I went to my mom exactly once for advice. I dont air out our dirty laundry for anyone else to see, especially when it comes to sex. she also choose to make fun of you to her friends instead of standing up for you. She cares more about her friends perception of her than she actually cares about showing how much she cares about you. She does have a right to talk to you about it, and you with her. What you say too each other is one thing but to the outside world your SO is the best cook lover protector whatever. I wouldnt let her off the hook easily, but we all say and do some dumb stuff and I think she deserves a chance make it up to you and resolve the situation. she outed you, made cruel jokes about your guys sex life, and didnt shut down her friends for being homophobic/biphobic. You might want to discuss that during counselling, or maybe with a therapist. I told her how emasculated and embarrassed I felt. You need a therapist to help you process what you're feeling, you need to process that in your time and she needs to fucking wait for you to do it if she really cares about you. But Id advise against staying with someone like that at all. He heard her, not us) about visualizing other men. Made her feel embarrassed and she knows that she fucked up. Relationship therapy, lots of work, regaining trust. I would be trembling with furious anger and wouldn't be able to face her with the same amount of trust for a long, long while after this incident. Therefore I would talk to her about her views on it and, if necessary, go to couples therapy on this. Or so that she wont identify you? Ok. She sounds like she cares way too much about what these women think. Take a few days away from everything. Next time she will really consider how the way she's talking to her friends could make you feel. I think the problem here is not your wife not loving you or your sex life -- it sounds like she loves you very much and enjoys y'all's sex life. she needs to stand by you and say that shes proud of you and supports you. No, don't buy it. At the very least, you need couple's counseling because it seems she has two very different worlds built up in her head when she talks with you versus her friends. She put you down at your own house. Being a bi women in a straight committed relationship, I can connect with you in some sense because I do hear "you can't be bi, you're married to a man" or I had previous partners that were horribly insecure about my sexuality. It's not a secret, kept in a fault. Finding this out, I personally dont know if I could get past it. Even if it is a stay vacation somewhere near your home. You have to try and think past this and think about her and the relationship as a whole. Me: girls, get your better halves and get the fuck out of my house They all pop right up and walk past me. This isn't your fault. So (and this is where your perception of the relationship comes in) you have to determine whether she was going with the flow of the conversation or whether she does actually have an issue with that. They didnt hear me come into the kitchen. She's probably said more and worse in the past two years the women have known. Take a few more days. Drunk or not, does not excuse their unwarranted behaviour. But 2 years later she is still talking about your most sacred aspect of your personal life, by filling in her friends on the most private part of your life. It sounds like you're discovering a side of your wife you didn't know about. She continued to ignore my boundary. Your wife betrayed your trust by sharing private details about your sexual preferences with other people. I found out that my wife is telling her friends about our private life, including details of our sex life, and even our infrequent arguments. And if they give you a hard time, then fuck em! Notice how she doubled down instead of being ashamed or saying that's not a subject for discussion? Third, never fighting is surprisingly not a sign of a great marriage. My guess is that she was only sorry he caught her and she's been crying because she's about to become a divorced mom. Just as all good things come to an end, so too do all the bad things. Still, you are gonna have a serious talk and you're gonna have to make her understand this was unacceptable. Are there no angry bi men who look like grocery store managers? You don't want her or the kids hanging around with him. I have never discussed my sexual relationship with my husband with them, and theyve never discussed their sex lives with their partners with me (because were all married or long term now, and thats just inappropriate. I think you did the right thing in the moment but I would want her to confront her friends if what she said was true and come clean herself to them, Shes bullshitting about not meaning any of it. Are you being a bit harsh? Shitty situation man. And why do you feed their judgement by throwing your husband to the wolves over this? I even heard her shoosh the friend who said it and peek inside the kitchen but I hid behind the counter and kept listening. Do NOT let her tell you your feelings are wrong. If my wife was badmouthing me behind my back, I'd be beyond pissed. This makes me so angry I'm having a hard time putting it into words. Your wife hates that you're bi. How many people knew about it since she let it slip, considering she's telling the truth and it was only two years ago that she told somebody. People won't forget about it. ! for a few minutes. Stand firm in that it wasn't okay to disclose private information that you didn't want to be made public. She said two of her friends are judgmental and believe youre either gay or straight and since I enjoy men (only sexually, not romantically) I must be gay. I'm not sure what her motivation was with not being up front with you about all of this, especially the telling her friends of your sexuality. They are what they are and they are very real. However you talk shit no doubt with your friends you would probably never want her to hearbwe can all be thoughtless assholes from time to time She chose you I'm not saying you overreacted must off been devastating to hear but it sounds like overall you guys have a good and loving relationship unless you are truly broken by this you need to talk and work out where you are now and whether this is repairable or not situation. Girls can be katty and have fun taking diggs at each other (guys too but its a stereotypical thing with girls). They had quiet music playing and were talking amongst themselves. Don't be embarrassed about any of that stuff, everyone knows now so just own it. I agree, marriage counseling ASAP. I was pooping and you helped me push from laughing so hard. If you don't care about your partner enough to defend them when they aren't there, why the fuck are you even with them? Just the circles I run in a guess. We have 2 amazing kids. You both need to get in front of a good counselors and dig in. But she enjoys to embarrass you to her friends behind your back about it. Also sound out the wives who weren't judgemental and ask their opinions. Oh theyre judgmental so I wanted to fit in why do you wanna fit in with these people who dont respect the person you love most? You feel emasculated about something that's a part of you because you hide it Weirdly plenty of women like men who like men too. Is she going to listen to her friends claim that you being bi has somehow swayed them? I hope you are able to get marriage counseling and find a way through this wether it ends with you together or not. Yeah, all of those things are a painful betrayal. My take: there may be some truth in her fabrications to her friends, which makes her even worse. Anyone that believes stay for the kids has literally never had any experience as a kid whos parents stayed for them. I am a firm believer that most things can be worked through. Your wife have no sense of conjugality. People are too quick to run away from a marriage and give up when issues come up. Is going to take a very long time to fix such fuckery. BS. Good luck! One friend asked her if she considered it and she said yes but ultimately she chose to stay with me because I made her happy and treated her better. If that isn't true, she should dump the friends because no one should have to feel like they have to validate themselves in a relationship to those they trust. Get your better halves and get the fuck out of my house I sniped as I tipped my fedora and winked at my wifes hottest friend who was clearly impressed by my rage erection that had partially split the seam in my relaxed fit Levi 501s. She's lying to you to save face. Outing you accidentally is one thing, but there are a load of major no-nos here. It doesn't matter if her friends judge her for things - she needs to stand up for you as her husband. I'm not saying she will, I don't know her and can't make that call. These fake stories are starting to piss me off. Kidding aside. Look beyond her faux Pas and look at the positives and what you enjoy. How would she feel if she overheard this? It's terrible. Shes outed you twice, once under influence and this time more than completely sober, then proceeded to loudly discuss your sex life in front of a judgemental group of biphobes who then proceeded to tell their SOs about it and are now probably telling anyone wholl listen about it. Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. At the end of the day, passion doesnt make a partner, love care (a bit of passion/good sex) and commitment do. I would not have been able to control myself the same way no doubt. This has obviously been a topic of conversation for a couple years and she never bothered to tell him about outing him, instead laughing about their sex life and needing to fantasize about other men while leaving him in the dark. You think youre slick enough to hide the resentment and anger but youre not. Most of it was on alt accounts he made. Good luck, brother. All you heard was a snippet of the conversation that you could loud and clear despite being in another room. So she outed you, and joked with friends about fantasizing about other men during sex because of your sexuality? 3. It was lovely that the mate called you and said what he did. Your sexual preferences with other people you over something so intimate and,! 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