why do serial cheaters want to stay married

How did the affair evolve and what were some of the clues the wife could have seen? The wife made the fatal error of trusting him AGAIN!!! She cant know anything personal about you two good or bad. Although sex addicts have a long standing pattern of using sex as a way to cope with feelings and with life generally, they also typically . My inlaws avoid me since Im a cold bitch who wont go to funerals etc, nor do my kids want to go. (He had been having an affair under my nose and I had no idea. aloud to you, it can be easy to forget they acted on their own accord. Youve come a long way over the last 2 years. Often people who cheat tell themselves that their behavior is justified because their partner doesn't really care about them and therefore wouldn't care if they strayed. Sarah P you must think me so rude to have ignored your very thoughtful response to my answers I really am SO sorry! They do not want responsibility for their actions and their exes will mostly be discussed in a bad light. I know sometimes when I write about the ow in my life, I get so frustrated and upset, after a while. New beginnings and happy days ahead ( although some concrete floors and plasterboard walls to be finished .). His needs are paramount and everyone else exists just to fill them. Dont want to deal with financial requirements: A third most important fact is that serial cheaters dont want to deal with the financial requirements of divorce. Certainly got the part that the assistant you hired was not the OW. Eventually that all dies down, but even though you might not be showering one another with the same attention or affection that you were at the start of it all, typically some kind of spark is still burning. Now, my husband thinks, that because she lives with her boyfriend and owns a house with him, that she is lonely to have another couple to befriend. You tell yourself if you had just been a little better than what you are now, they would never have strayed. Shame and embarrassment especially when you tell what happened to your circle of friends. Why Women Stay With Men Who Cheat | Everyday Health He would be out the door. He was the narcissist, you were only being human. Like they say here in the US, Money talks and bullshit walks! Victims of cheating narcissists tirelessly look for concrete proof, but you could try for years without catching a slip-up. But if you've caught your partner once and you're wondering if they're going to do it again, these habits can help you figure out which category of cheater they fall under. However, human behavior is always complex and a myriad of factors play into the decisions people make, for the better or for the worse. I would have grabbed that damn phone locked myself in the bathroom and read everything whether he called me crazy or not, and then I would have given him 5 min to leave. 2010-2019 Emotional Affair Journey. I replied I wish she would . What I've discovered is that there are three main reasons why married men say they cheat and yet remain married: 1. As relationship expert and author April Masini tells Bustle, serial cheaters are used to cheating. As you said, it's a big world with Google they could find a fellow swinger to forge an "understanding" with. 2. If this type of personality enters into an affair and loves the feeling, it is highly unlikely he will go back to faithful behavior. Its like they are always just one drink, or hit, or whatever away. So in a way it was my fault for giving her what she needed, to get her hooks into him. Stupid skank, she may have thought she got what she wanted when they were overseas together, and the poor little wife didnt have a clue, but she had reality slap her in the face, on his arrival home. I actually had to leave the office for a while but not before shooting the evil eye to him. Actually the OW didnt work for him but worked for a vendor and she begged for a job with my Hs company. For example, no opposite-sex friendships for your husband. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. But the problem started long before, when she dated and soon broke up with her college boyfriend because he was seeing other women. When I was in my mid- 20s, I took a lot of flack from my (now ex) fiance because I wasnt more of an in-your-face extrovert. The passion or excitement may be lacking in their marriage, even if everything else is going great. Here are the common traits of a serial cheater: Sociopathic attitudes: Constant disregard for rules; lacks guilt and remorse when caught doing something harmful. Well she was also very stupid because once I saw it and her ineptitude she was gone. Thats what affairs are, webs of deceit that just grow and grow the longer they allow them to go on. It was amazing to hear the iron-clad lies this guy had and also how devoid of any conscience he was. There is no other way to be, you know? Someone who makes a one-time mistake with cheating will show remorse and admit to being wrong, but serial cheaters see no wrong in their behavior. I would have had nothing. It is a truth universally acknowledged that secrets are no fun unless you share with everyone. In turn, you might feel bad for "prying" and won't ask again. Its like they say, misery loves company. Being cheated on twice, or three times. Out of these, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. This chick is NO dummy. "Even if the relationship is brand new, or they have nothing to hide, old habits die hard," Amica Graber, relationship expert for SafeSwipe, tells Bustle. She has suggested meeting for coffee twice and you have not answered her twice. He never really believed it, I guess until now. One-time cheaters will care more about their partner's feelings and reactions. I saw the other day that Craigslist love affair said sex with her affair partner was terrible. Thats all (but maybe Im giving myself too much power again). Those who are likely to have multiple affairs possess one or more of these traits, which take a starring role in their personalities. Coffee Shop Gypsy, Word Practitioner. Yet often, a cheaters reasons for cheating have nothing to do with you and everything to do with their personality traits! The Illness of Cheating: Why Do People Cheat in Relationships? So, it is with that caveat that I have written this post. Ruining Your Life By Cheating: Is There Any Way to Right the Ship? Same here man. Its important to point out that not every unfaithful spouse has a personality disorder, nor does every spouse with some degree of personality disorder engage in infidelity. Your perspective is an essential part in helping to understand the hows and whys and ultimately how to strengthen all of our marriages. They can be charming, and convincing, and make you believe what they say. Interesting to see what people come up with. BAM, NOW WHO DA BOSS?? Do not give one single day to cousin It and her selfishness and meanness. My husband does have a part in this and here is what it is: he is the type of guy who is so affable that he has no enemies. He does not travel without me and never has. They found that what they term as sexual personality is the most likely factor to increase the likelihood that people will cheat. Only you know what is right for you. He knew the lay of the land at the job, he knew how to charm circles around his co-workers, he knew what made each of them tick and he used it to his best advantage. You make a very good point. In some cases . Thanks again for being so honest and thorough about how the affair process worked. I have another assistant who is perfect and keeps her mouth shut and does her work. "This is a huge habit for a serial cheater because it helps their guilty conscious," Ricciardi says. Early role modeling involving infidelity: This guy has wounds from his childhood and he has witnessed one or both parents cheating over and over again. What happens to women who stay in marriages after an affair - The Lily Why do serial cheaters want to STAY MARRIED even after confrontation Make sure you have a face to face conversation about the same. Apologies for the delay. You cannot tell me that one person really believes that cheating is ok. You may have gotten into his head for a little whole, but you thought you needed to ruin a good man to end up getting your way. I hate to say it, but with my H I have to be very firm with no chance of ambiguity on my part. If only you had been sexier, more attentive, more available, more loving, more.whatever the other person possessed that seduced your husband. I lived with a cheater and all of this describes him to a T. I am done with that. 14 Traits of a Serial Cheater - The Date Mix There was never any resolution to his parents behavior and they never changed. "Serial cheaters will talk a good game about being faithful in the future but they will display no distancing behaviors to the people and situations they were involved in at the time they cheated," Caleb Backe, Health and Wellness Expert for Maple Holistics, tells Bustle. The lows are low and the highs are high! What a wonderful lot you all are! I hired her as my assistant but she did everything but assist me. I have been writing for online publications for the last five years, using my background in Psychology to understand human nature. She was 19 and carrying my child. You tell yourself that all that was just an illusion because your partner was also capable of such lying and deception. Ill bet she has a thousand more questions Thani and why because she never really knew him and well he lied to her just as much if not more than he lied to me. One was my childhood sweetheart. Men may also cheat because they lack self-confidence and want the attention. (Or that is how my husband describes it). Once he saw me, he was covered in guilt, and must have thought that he was in too deep to ever think I would want to keep him. But the second time she does it, she still feels a little guilty, but not as much. This can help you build up trust again, heal the pain, and work on the issues that led to infidelity in the first place. We are older with grown children, I know if I was younger he would be gone!! Of course hes going to tell you that this one was emotional the others were just purely physical and guess what hes telling his wife the same thing about you. Serial cheaters get and stay married because on some level they too want a companion to share their life with. As for your older female colleague and her recommendations, she is right and it has always been my attitude, even prior to being married. 17 Personality Traits of a Serial Cheater - liveboldandbloom.com And being cheated on has lasting effects. And the reason they haven't usually has to do with pre-judging their wives coupled with a fear of being judged and denied their needs in an unpleasant way. Low tolerance for deferring gratification: This guy has to have everything now and he cannot see how current actions effect future outcomes. What I gave her each time was a test to see if she had the guts to face me one-on-one for coffee. Ive seen several instances on here where affair partners still think the other person is good when evidence points to the contrary. Catching your partner cheating is one of the most painful things that you can experience in a relationship. Thanks again for the feedback really appreciate it. (Only no one will know it!). You didnt count on him having a good wife by his side, helping him find his way back to being a man of dignity and respect for himself, you tried to take that away from him, so to control him. This went on and on for several months and it looks like now my friend is finally breaking away for good. Sometimes we all need to hear the cold, hard truth even if its hard to take. More opportunities to cheat can lead to a habit of cheating. The disruption of sleep, eating, work, relationships. Maybe that way I can get some of the money back she took from my family, hehehe, if only that was possible. Like you said, it is possible that all of us have at least one. My kids will be taught what an older female colleague told me: When a man at work complains about his marriage, tell him he should be having this conversation with his wife, then walk away. (Financial constraints. This could be alcohol, drugs, gaming, or gambling. Do you think you had different reasons for entering into it than your affair partner did? They are masters at seeming believable," Wish explained. Or is the emotional damage just too deep? 13 Things to Consider, 2. (And thats before Karma kicks inwhen Karma starts to do its work watch out!). At least there would be a record in her file. She told him to call the ow suspect on a speakerphone and he had to say the following : Ive just told xxx (my wife) everything. If you are over him none of that stuff matters. To me, it seems like if all women refused the bait and refused to even open the door to the bait, there would be A LOT less affairs. Unfortunately he began to enjoy them after his father died and business was nearly failing. Trust=stupid. He never really quit again, and made my life a living hell to the day he died. When you said you felt like you had to be someone that you were not when your H cheated, I remembered how my fiance was trying to get me to be a more boisterous and socially aggressive person. Your heart must have been broken. I did it all by myself. If you are in a relationship with a serial cheater, you really need to ask yourself if you want to be with someone that holds any of the above 4 mentalities. Repeat cheaters may be prone to infidelity because of an addiction to sex. All kinds of things predict infidelity. He might have mountains of credit card debt and his house might be littered with doo-dads he does not need. So why do people keep cheating? First, consider where you stand. (I mean, the stereotype is that men want the variety that another woman provides and that women embark on this path because their husbands cannot meet their emotional needs.). Sometimes, the husband cheated but doesn't want divorce out of guilt. Sexting? Husband is way too friendly and it sends a signal to women that it shouldnt. She had arranged it, and had placed them down as h and w, but using her first name and our surname. But for a serial cheater, this may not be in the case. Your sleep patterns are disturbed. Many Wives Think Their Cheating Husband Wants To Stay With Them For These Reasons: Many wives who doubt that their husband really wants to stay married will tell you that he's probably staying out of loyalty or because he doesn't want to lose money or financial possessions thorough a divorce. Displaces blame: This man constantly displaces the blame onto others when he is clearly the person at fault. But opting out of some of these cookies may affect your browsing experience. What Every Woman Needs To Know About Married Men Who Cheat Thanks also for your recommendation on letting the thoughts go and not wasting my energy ever thinking about him.. That really is the reason I need to give myself a break from this site. Lolololl. Just strange. You would be heldAccountable. All of his co-workers know me well since I drop in from time to time and since we do socialize with a couple of the married couples (like his boss and his bosss wife). Oops, didnt get to finish my comment. They take his jovial-ness personally while ignoring all of the times he talks about being happily married. Fast forward to the tenth time she hooks up with Prince Charmings best friend, and Cinderella doesnt give a single damn. He is not worth your mental energy. In some cases, a man may stay married for now, even if he eventually plans to leave his marriage. It is a good thing he came to his senses for many reasons. I returned to work after having and raising kids and felt overweight and out of the game. This is why God forbids adultery. Serial cheaters are good at avoiding established patterns or routines in a relationship, Kevin Darn, dating expert and author of My Cat Won't Bark! How to Survive Grief and Depression After Infidelity, How To Deal With A Cheater? Strength, Hi Jeddy, I would have been livid. In some cases, a serial cheater goes through a collapse in the marriage and finds another person who gives the emotional attention and sexual desire he craves, and they want to lose it. The victim card never goes down. I know you will be happy, and in all honesty, from me to you, your ap, didnt deserve you, you deserve to be with your family, and I know you have had so much guilt, and so many reservations, when it comes to your h and you that has held you back a bit getting closer to your h, but I know you both are turning that around, and it does take time, but I know by what you have said about your h, he really does love you. This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. When a serial cheater is caught, they will look for different ways to justify their behavior. Between alimony and spousal support, any divorce can be a financial nightmare. I let people drift in and out of my life and dont really miss them when they re gone. That is the last two years of nightmare marital bliss. (Or at least that was the case in the information technology industry). Unfortunately Sarah, she wanted my life, she left her h, was seeking divorce, and used my h to help her anyway she could. And I dont need people to fill me up. Well since I work with him in the same office at our business there is no room for any kind of office romanceexcept with me of course!! Even to drag him down, and then to continue to drag him down the longer he kept seeing her. Does serial infidelity have anything to do with personality disorders? I dont have sexual anxiety (rather the opposite) and have cheated twice while in my last relationship. So, to me there is absolutely no ambiguity as to her intentions and that is what I needed to see. When they say I do to their future bride or groom, they already have their sights and intention set to cheat, which is how they live. The day I blame him for my actions is the day I have to accept the blame for his. My spidey-senses say that she is a black widow waiting in the wings, planning when to pounce. You have heard this part analysis from our other lovely ladies here, but wanted to add my two cents, for whatever it is worth: You said: I remember liking him as soon as I met him. There are some women who get pulled into affairs even though they have no intention of doing so then there are women who seem to seek out to destroy the happiness of another woman. They think they do, they think they know what the wife is all about, but they dont always have a clue. 10 Weird Habits Serial Cheaters Are More Likely To Have Vs - Bustle Respect is everything in all relationships, and if your partner has cheated on you then they obviously do not respect you at all because if they did, they wouldn't ever have cheated in the first place. Here's Why Serial Cheaters Keep On Cheating, According To Science. I think a lot of cheaters dont care if they get caught or not. He said his wife SUSPECTED hed had an affair and he said she did something really clever. It sounds like the best way to go about this is legalistically, like you suggested in keeping logs about everything and gathering data. She will misread and interpret everything to suit her. 9 Reasons Cheating Husbands Stay Married - Bonobology.com But thats another story ! Anyway. This lady who is chasing him has lived with a guy for 10 years and the guy will not marry her. How do I move data from one tab to another in Excel? Youre absolutely right. Unstable emotional regulation. Again, it's a time of wild sex fuelled by this pain and the emotiona. He also may recognize how great the marriage is overall and he doesnt want to let go of that. These type of ow dont let go that easy. This is deplorable. Many men and women go years without knowing that their partners or significant others have cheated until they see the affair firsthand. Have heard that before too- that sex with the AP is usually over-rated. He became a pro. I am fine, I knew along time ago, that she must have had an eye on my h, just by the rumours her h apparently spread about her. Why Would My Cheating Husband Want To Stay With Me? The loss of self-esteem, self-worth, trust, hope, concentration, confidence. Note: Recently, one of the readers asked whether or not there was a way to know if a person who cheated would be a repeat offender. Dont EVER let her see that. In the past we were definitely labeled as peculiar, eccentric, strange, non-social, etc etc. By clicking Accept All, you consent to the use of ALL the cookies. Host of The Pondering Stepmom Podcast. (Strangely both his counsellor and I said he wanted to get found out).